Blobfish: The Name Says It All

Typically, I draw little caricatures for these posts, but when the thing I’m writing about looks like this, I don’t have to.

Allow me to introduce the blobfish- a swimming balloon full of jelly that makes its home in the briny deeps off the coast ofAustralia.  I think he looks kinda cute, actually. Well, until you take him out of the water…

Then he looks like a melted head.

The blobfish practically melts when it leaves deep water, because its flesh really is made out of jelly. While this may not work so well on land, it’s a great adaptation for a world under thousands of pounds of pressure. See, most fish have a gas-filled organ called a swim bladder that keeps them at the proper buoyancy. The problem is gas compresses under pressure. The farther down you go, the less a swim bladder does to keep you floating.  The blobfish’s jelly-flesh is less dense than water, letting it float where other fish would be squished. That’s why they start doing impressions of Marvin whenever they have to go out on the town.  

  And you know what? I think I know why they’re so sad all the time. (Well, other than because they’ve been dragged out of the water into an environment where their flesh melts and they can’t breathe.) It’s because they’re always getting caught by lobster fisherman, and the mean old fisherman just throw them back!

“Oh,” say the fisherman. “You’re not actually edible and you kind of remind me of my uncle Joe, so I’m just going to toss you back now.”

What do you think that does to an impressionable young blobfish’s self-esteem, hmm? How would you feel if you were constantly being called inedible and being compared to Uncle Joe?

No, seriously, how would you feel? I do have a comments section and people are welcome to use it.

I Promised You Squid:

            Theydidittheydidittheydidit! They did it!!! After decades of searching, the giant squid has finally been caught on film! You may now perform your celebratory dance of choice. May I recommend that you include plenty of hopping? …Or, you know, you could just sit in front of your computer screen and keep reading. That works too.

See, my friends and family have all developed bizarre palsies that act up whenever I mention colossal cephalopods. So, just imagine me announcing all this from the podium in a massive lecture hall while hopping about with a manic grin on my face, and I’ll imagine you sitting there, listening in wide-eyed wonder. Everyone’s happy.

            Here’s why it’s such a big deal. The giant squid is like the ocean’s greatest ninja; it’s a fifty feet long Lovecraftian betentacled noodle, but nobody’s ever caught a live one on video.

 Until now.

           Forget coelacanths. They’re only seven feet long, and we discovered them decades ago withouteven trying. Twice. We’ve found frogs that are a dime a dozen. (Meaningyou can fit about twelve of them on the smallest piece of U.S. currency.) We’ve found bats the size fluttery insects. But, despite the giant squid’s numerous appearances in fiction, we’ve caught a real one on video exactly never. That’s true ninja-ness for you.

             The best part is Discovery’s airing the footage in a few days! Jan. 27 at8:00 p.m. EST/PST is marked in my calendar. (And I don’t even have my family members’ birthdays in my calendar.) I’d have a watch party, but I think that would shove some people over the edge.

Enjoy the wiki-binge! See you the next time people get tired of listening to me!